And I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Sorry for my disappearance, I was…um…kidnapped. Yup, stolen from my home, sent to Columbia, forced to murder some guerrilla soldiers and fend for myself in the wild. It took me a couple weeks to venture through the jungles of South America. Sorry. But I’m back to my weekly updates now.
Moving on…
Sometimes I wonder about The Beatles. Imagine a world where they didn’t disband. Where the band stayed together. In this world, John never met his end early and the group continued to release albums through the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. That sounds terrific right?
Well, watch this video from another classic band, The Beach Boys. It was filmed in 1990, nearly 30 years after they made their first splash in music. It’s from the film Problem Child. It had John Stamos in it. It has Gilbert Gottfried in it.
It’s bad guys. Really, painfully stupid.
Soundtrack songs, as we all know, really have the cards stacked against them. The video has to incorporate elements (and clips) from the film. More than a music video, it’s usually just a commercial for the film. This video is actually better than most soundtrack songs because it has real celebrities and something of a story. To be honest, I’m sure I would have enjoyed this music video back in 1990. However, I also enjoyed eating bugs in 1990; I was four.
Pre-Stamos days
So the video’s not god awful but it’s horribly sacrilege. I don’t want to live in a world where The Beach Boys are playing music while the little red-headed kid from Problem Child runs around. As cute as he is, he’s only doing damage to their reputation. And John Stamos on drums? Really? I know he was a musician on Full House but playing with the GOD DAMNED BEACH BOYS? As wonderful as his hair is, he’s only doing damage to their reputation. I mean, did he win a contest or something? Was he doing research for a film?
There are many questions raised by this video. Firstly, why was 90’s fashion so terrible? Did people just wander into JC Penny’s and grab a jacket, dress shirt and jeans? Vests were popular back then, really? Why were all the shirts tucked in? I was alive for the 1990’s and I don’t remember this stuff. Maybe I repressed those memories.
We’ll skip some of the pointless questions, like why was Gilbert Gottfried producing a record and why was John Stamos apparently drinking bird shit, and move onto some of the real important plot points. How hard is it to grab a little kid and throw him out of the recording studio? How does no one see him crawling around on the floor, messing with equipment. If I was in one of the greatest bands of all time, I would stop recording for the five seconds it takes to grab someone by the collar and heave him out of the room.
The last video I reviewed, “Jailhouse Rap”, didn’t do a good job at creating sympathy for our leads. They were all in jail for good cause, even though we were supposed to feel bad for them. This video is similar. Problem Child is a little jerk, I feel horrible for John Ritter! Doesn’t he understand he’s disrupting rock royalty? It’s not even funny, it’s just infuriating. Who do I blame for his lack of manners, his parents or society? I loved John Ritter so I blame society. I blame us. It’s all our fault that this happened. We made The Beach Boys do this. I hope we’re happy.
If anything, this video just makes me want to punch a little kid. I know, I know, that’s a horrible thing to say but watch this little brat and tell me you don’t want to bonk a kid on the head. I dare you.
Can't...control...rage inside me!
At the same time, it’s honorable to see such great musicians still working thirty years after their start. I just wish it wasn’t for Problem Child.
Like I said, this isn’t the worst music video ever made. It’s just…well, it’s just kind of embarrassing and stupid. Remember the Star Wars Christmas Special? This video is like that, it’s silly and completely unnecessary and true fans of The Beach Boys will want to stay away from it. In fact, it’s best forgotten. Maybe I can convince George Lucas to pony up some cash to get rid of this thing. Or maybe I can convince Universal to bury it out in the desert like all those copies of the E.T. video game.
Now I’m wondering about the kid from Problem Child. As annoying as he was, I wish him the best of luck. Let’s just roam over to IMDb and…
Oh, he’s doing fine. His last appearance was in…Platypus Man in…1995.
…
Shit, now I feel bad.
Tags: Gilbert Gottfried, John Stamos, Problem Child, Problem Child soundtrack, soundtrack, The Beach Boys
